Swipe to the right

Interview with our very own Vampire

Interview with our very own Vampire
5 months ago 65 Views No comments

So Vlad, where are you from and when did you arrive in England?

Well, my hometown is in Transylvania, above the beautiful medieval citadel of Sighisora, Romania. I arrived in England on a Russian ship called ‘The Demeter’ after a rather heavy night out with Victor Frankenstein and the Wolf man. 1890 something I think, a bit hazy but what a laugh.

Do you think Vampires get a bad press?

Why, yes, I’m glad you asked me that question! Were a rather friendly bunch, sure, we suck blood and prey on humans, but I always make it a rule to say thank you afterwards which is normally too late as your already dead ha, ha. I also never bite on the first date and give up my seat for wrinkly people on public transport. What is it with wrinkly people, do they leak or something?

What’s your favourite tipple?

It would have to be B(-). It’s quite rare in humans and has a lovely bouquet. I also like my own brand of Ale. It’s got quite a unique ingredient you know! I could tell you what it is but then I’d have to kill you. No, please, don’t leave I’m kidding, I’ve already eaten.

What do you do in your spare time?

Sun bathing’s out of the question as I would have to wear Factor 1000 industrial strength. I’m kind of nocturnal so most of the day I’m sleeping, but come sunset, well, you know the rest . . .

What would you change about humans?

Oh that’s easy, two hearts, more for me, more for you!

Who is your favourite sportsperson?

Vladimir Klitschko & Nadia Comaneci. I was in hanging from the roof when Nadia scored a perfect score of 6.0 at the 1976 Olympics and won 3 Gold medals. She’s also Romanian.

What sort of music do you like?

Anything with a good beat, preferably a heartbeat.

What was the last book you read?

I think it was ‘Interview with a Vampire’. Comedy gold I think you humans say! I had no idea it was so funny and that Lestat, couldn’t stop laughing.

Have you met many famous people throughout the ages?

Hmm, I was born in 1431, how time flies (in Bat form) when you’re having fun. I’ve known kings, playwrights, philosophers, presidents and actors. It’s hard to remember. I hung out with Elvis for a while and inspired that wonderful song Bite Me Tender.

Do you go out on many dates?

I’ve had a few but it’s hard to find someone who can see through this pale, un-dead exterior. Night shifts don’t help either.

Is there someone special in your life right now?

Sort of, she broke my heart, literally, punched right through my chest, very messy - but love at first sight. We’re going to hook up again once I’m fully healed.

What’s your favourite food?

I think that’s pretty obvious my fast-food friend.

How would you describe yourself?

Dead, thirsty, with a wicked sense of humour.

When will we see you next?

Hang on I’ll just check with Igor, Igor leave that lady’s leg alone, what, oh, ok, yes, yes - you can go now, ahem, according to my misshapen friend it will probably be VAPE FEST 2016.

So, what’s next for Vampire Vape & Vlad?

Well, I’m committed to Vampire Vape full time and all it’s lovely Vampireness. Lucky for me I’ve got all the time in the world so I’m rather choosy.

‘I’m A Vampire Get Me Out Of Here’ has approached me as well as the ‘The Great Monster Bake Off’ which I turned down as it’s for dead-been’s. Maybe a dance track, the world after all is my Blood-Bank.

Can I go now? I’m feeling suddenly very thirsty . . .

*No camera crew or reporters were harmed during this interview. Maybe a few cuts and bruises and feeling dizzy due to loss of a little blood but that’s about it!